Realizing Worth To Others

Over the past few days, I’ve reflected on some aspects of my life and found myself to be a bit… disappointed. Disappointed in myself, for the most part. A lot times in my life, I have put forth time, effort and emotion into things or people that probably shouldn’t have gotten an extended amount of time, effort or emotion. But, I constantly did it for the simple fact of hoping for the best. Most recently, far more time than I should on SEGA games I can’t beat for 30 years (I hate you Zombies Ate My Neighbors). 

No matter how many times plans would be cancelled, or messages gone unanswered, or reaching out when it was convenient for them, I was always right there to communicate. Literally, there’s been far too many times where communication suddenly ends and within three minutes of getting a message after four months, I’m replying like nothing happened. That’s kind of pathetic. 

Kind of a random example, but it’s honestly hilarious. A few months ago I was talking to someone from high school. They reached out to me claiming they’d had a crush on me for years (I peaked in 2013, easily). Anyway, we talked for a bit. Setup a time to meet and hangout. Then *poof* nothing. What happens? About ten days later she messaged me about solar energy. Do you know how insulting it is to be contacted for a solicitation of SOLAR ENERGY? 

Here’s the thing that I tell myself. Nobody owes you (me) anything. Not even a great deal on solar energy. They don’t owe you time. They don’t owe you feelings. They do what they want, and there’s really nothing wrong with that. I may be hurt if I’m not part of the plan, but that’s a me problem, right? 

After talking with my pal Austin, it was kind of a wake up moment. I’m always available for people, or I go out of my way to make sure there’s time for someone.. especially if I care about them. It’s happened way too many times for me count, but it’s not ever returned, and yet I kept doing it for people thinking “oh this could be different.” Well, it never is. It’s always the same. But, hey, that’s a me problem. 

It was my fault to make sure over an extended weekend that I was available for a friend that I had been looking forward to see for about three months. Not like I had it on my phone calendar and had counted down the days upon seeing her. 

That’s a me problem. I shouldn’t have gotten excited for someone that wasn’t excited to see me. That’s not their fault. That’s on me. I should have a better understanding of value to people. When I talked to Austin, I learned I need to be far more guarded. I give A LOT to people very, very quick. Which, makes it even more soul crushing when I get little in return. 

For my entire adult life I feel like I go out of my way to make people happy, and I guess there’s that one moment when you realize you’ve got to stop putting forth that effort and make them do it for you. I think at this point in my life, I’ve earned that effort. 

If I say I’m going to do something. Guess what? I do it. I don’t just say things to say it. I always backup my words with actions, and when I do it, perhaps it startles people that I’d do it. There’s been many a time where I never lost Truth or Dare, because I did the DARE. I was soo cool when I was 11 and didn’t care what the neighborhood kids thought. 

Just like how I say how I feel, and sometimes people don’t like it. People may feel personally attacked by this and reflect back to times when it could apply to them. Ultimately, it’s not a big deal. If anything, I truly appreciate the learning experience. 

It’s just my feelings. It didn’t matter in the moment, why would it matter now? The feeling can’t be changed, and I won’t forget the disappointment. I don’t need an apology or anything either. I mean, it’s not like the time when I had a hangout setup with a female friend and after waiting for hours she cancelled on me and then the next day when golfing with friends and never once attempted to reschedule the hangout. Haven’t spoken to her since, because I didn’t matter at the end of the day. 

I think for a lot people (excluding my family) my feeling don’t really matter much. Of course, I have a core foundation of people that truly care about me. LaFlair, Mariah, Austin, Dallas, Santino, Bret, and my family. And ultimately, that’s all I really need. They’ve all proven or shown me over the years that they lookout for me in some way. I value them for that. Austin has been consoling me for the better part of ten days about Shawn Michaels breaking his neck in my Pro Wrestling Sim game, and I think I’m doing okay now. It took a minute, but I figured it out. 

There lies my problem. I care about people’s feelings far too much to the point that I can’t stress enough to anyone who is reading this that I’m not mad. If I were mad, I’d say it. I’m just sitting at my apartment watching Like Mike on my TV. Lil Bow Wow sure isn’t a good actor, and yes he was like 9 years old, but we’re being honest, right? Sorry, Bow Wow you don’t deserve that. 

Writing feelings out makes me  feel a lot better and is its own form of therapy, I guess. I’ll always use humor to cope with whatever is bugging me, because at least people can laugh about it. 

Just remember one thing, Bob.

If they wanted to. They would. 

(NOTE. I don’t spell check or grammar check as this all comes from my head and heart. Why bother checking it for errors. Feels less real when I do that.)