Over the past few days, I’ve reflected on some aspects of my life and found myself to be a bit… disappointed. Disappointed in myself, for the most part. A lot times in my life, I have put forth time, effort and emotion into things or people that probably shouldn’t have gotten an extended amount of time, effort or emotion. But, I constantly did it for the simple fact of hoping for the best. Most recently, far more time than I should on SEGA games I can’t beat for 30 years (I hate you Zombies Ate My Neighbors).
No matter how many times plans would be cancelled, or messages gone unanswered, or reaching out when it was convenient for them, I was always right there to communicate. Literally, there’s been far too many times where communication suddenly ends and within three minutes of getting a message after four months, I’m replying like nothing happened. That’s kind of pathetic.
Kind of a random example, but it’s honestly hilarious. A few months ago I was talking to someone from high school. They reached out to me claiming they’d had a crush on me for years (I peaked in 2013, easily). Anyway, we talked for a bit. Setup a time to meet and hangout. Then *poof* nothing. What happens? About ten days later she messaged me about solar energy. Do you know how insulting it is to be contacted for a solicitation of SOLAR ENERGY?
Here’s the thing that I tell myself. Nobody owes you (me) anything. Not even a great deal on solar energy. They don’t owe you time. They don’t owe you feelings. They do what they want, and there’s really nothing wrong with that. I may be hurt if I’m not part of the plan, but that’s a me problem, right?
After talking with my pal Austin, it was kind of a wake up moment. I’m always available for people, or I go out of my way to make sure there’s time for someone.. especially if I care about them. It’s happened way too many times for me count, but it’s not ever returned, and yet I kept doing it for people thinking “oh this could be different.” Well, it never is. It’s always the same. But, hey, that’s a me problem.
It was my fault to make sure over an extended weekend that I was available for a friend that I had been looking forward to see for about three months. Not like I had it on my phone calendar and had counted down the days upon seeing her.
That’s a me problem. I shouldn’t have gotten excited for someone that wasn’t excited to see me. That’s not their fault. That’s on me. I should have a better understanding of value to people. When I talked to Austin, I learned I need to be far more guarded. I give A LOT to people very, very quick. Which, makes it even more soul crushing when I get little in return.
For my entire adult life I feel like I go out of my way to make people happy, and I guess there’s that one moment when you realize you’ve got to stop putting forth that effort and make them do it for you. I think at this point in my life, I’ve earned that effort.
If I say I’m going to do something. Guess what? I do it. I don’t just say things to say it. I always backup my words with actions, and when I do it, perhaps it startles people that I’d do it. There’s been many a time where I never lost Truth or Dare, because I did the DARE. I was soo cool when I was 11 and didn’t care what the neighborhood kids thought.
Just like how I say how I feel, and sometimes people don’t like it. People may feel personally attacked by this and reflect back to times when it could apply to them. Ultimately, it’s not a big deal. If anything, I truly appreciate the learning experience.
It’s just my feelings. It didn’t matter in the moment, why would it matter now? The feeling can’t be changed, and I won’t forget the disappointment. I don’t need an apology or anything either. I mean, it’s not like the time when I had a hangout setup with a female friend and after waiting for hours she cancelled on me and then the next day when golfing with friends and never once attempted to reschedule the hangout. Haven’t spoken to her since, because I didn’t matter at the end of the day.
I think for a lot people (excluding my family) my feeling don’t really matter much. Of course, I have a core foundation of people that truly care about me. LaFlair, Mariah, Austin, Dallas, Santino, Bret, and my family. And ultimately, that’s all I really need. They’ve all proven or shown me over the years that they lookout for me in some way. I value them for that. Austin has been consoling me for the better part of ten days about Shawn Michaels breaking his neck in my Pro Wrestling Sim game, and I think I’m doing okay now. It took a minute, but I figured it out.
There lies my problem. I care about people’s feelings far too much to the point that I can’t stress enough to anyone who is reading this that I’m not mad. If I were mad, I’d say it. I’m just sitting at my apartment watching Like Mike on my TV. Lil Bow Wow sure isn’t a good actor, and yes he was like 9 years old, but we’re being honest, right? Sorry, Bow Wow you don’t deserve that.
Writing feelings out makes me feel a lot better and is its own form of therapy, I guess. I’ll always use humor to cope with whatever is bugging me, because at least people can laugh about it.
Just remember one thing, Bob.
If they wanted to. They would.
(NOTE. I don’t spell check or grammar check as this all comes from my head and heart. Why bother checking it for errors. Feels less real when I do that.)
Monday, August 25, 2025
Realizing Worth To Others
Monday, November 4, 2024
A Self Reflection
HEALTH
It’s July 2023. I’m laying on my mothers couch recovering from an auto accident on my e-bike. My longest relationship ended a month prior and I’m looking up at the ceiling wondering how I got here. Why didn’t I do this or that? Questioning my decisions. Taking ownership of my mistakes and vowing to improve myself.
Yeah, it took me getting drilled by a car on my e-bike to get my ass in gear about my health. For at least a few years I had noticed my body changed. I was tired more often and I’d have drastic mood swings. I figured I’d figure it all out, but in reality I was simply afraid of reality. I knew something was wrong with me, but I ignored it. Well, I’d be fine, right? Obviously, no.
To an extent I have anxiety. I think a lot of people do. Often people will say “oh you’re using anxiety as a crutch” or some form of downplaying it. Trust me, everything is easier said than done. I’m 35-years old and I don’t drive because I don’t trust myself or people around me. You’re probably wondering how on earth do I feel comfortable on an e-bike, especially after getting in an accident and I wish I could explain it. I just feel comfortable. Even after getting in an accident, I don’t have a fear of riding.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that I knew something was wrong with me, but after I got pneumonia in the winter of 2020, my body seemed to change. Energy wasn’t where it once was at all. In public, I’d be more outgoing, but I became more reserved and came across irritable even when I was perfectly content and simply focused. I suffer from the resting bitch face syndrome that continues to plague the world.
Admittedly, my diet had been awful for a long, long time. I’ve never been a cook despite loving cooking shows as a kid. I’d always get a frozen meal or an unhealthy amount of pizza. At one point I had roughly 12 free Dominos pizzas in my account. As if I was proud of that, in fact, I am.
As my body clearly suffered from my poor decisions, I tried to ignore it. Eventually, I asked for help. Yeah, a man asked for help. I hate asking for help, because typically I can figure it out. However, at the time I hadn’t had a primary doctor and it seemed a daunting task to actually find a good doctor to accept me as a new patient. I asked for help, and the person I asked for help didn't help me. It’s not on them to help me, however, if they tell you they will help you and assure they are there for you, but then proceed to not help you, what can you do? I’m a grown-up and I should have just done it myself. I know that.
After getting in the accident it was shockingly easier to get a new primary doctor. Within two months I had set up an appointment for September 2023, and I knew it was time to face reality. I explained to my doctor what was going on in recent years and I warned her that I likely had diabetes. I had a lot of the symptoms and I figured I’d get ahead of it.
I’m sure every doctor ever has heard their patient claim to have something and dismiss it. But, within 24 hours I got a call that I in-fact had type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure. Two things that I knew I had. I quickly got on the ball to change my diet habits and drastically reduced my numbers to levels my doctors had not ever seen before. I took such a drastic approach because I was tired (literally) of how I was feeling. I wanted to be the old Bob, and I feel as if I have accomplished that in many aspects.
PERSONAL LIFE/FRIENDSHIPS/RELATIONSHIPS
Since my long-term relationship ended, there’s been a lot of changes in my life in that respect. I’m mostly closed off from the idea of relationships. I like to be able to do anything I want and not feel like I’m neglecting anyone. It’s important to read that sentence. It’s how I feel about it, and not that anyone has ever stated to me that it was ever an issue.
A lot of my free time from work is consumed by writing about professional wrestling because I’m an absolute nerd about it. It brings me great peace and calms me down no matter what is going on in my life.
As expected, anytime there’s a relationship that ends and you have the same friend group there’s going to be chatter about what happened. I’m not going to get into specifics on a random blog, nor use names, but I’m sure anyone reading this will likely be able to put some stuff together no matter how vague I can be.
It’s incredible how much has been said about me that is just not true. I will always own my faults, and I will not hide from them. Was I irritable? Sure. Was I quiet a lot? Yes. Was I comfortable in my living situation? Absolutely not. Did I feel like I was appreciated for anything I did or attempted to do? Nope. Was I talked down to and insulted? Sure. Did anyone ask me what my side of the situation was? 2 or 3 people did. That’s about it. I never went out of my way to speak my mind, because that’s not my style. But it got to a point where I heard so much stuff, that I pulled people aside and told them exactly what happened and what I experienced.
There’s one major lie that I will forever be hurt by. The idea that I aggressively got in the face of my ex's mother. First off, my ex wasn’t even in the room when the “incident” transpired. She was upstairs sleeping. The whole situation saw us watching television and the topic of religion in public schools came up. Long story short, I don’t believe religion should be in a public school environment since that is literally what private schools tend to be for. Well, I was called anti-American and other hurtful comments for sharing my opinion. As I always do, whenever I’m in an area that I do not feel comfortable, I leave. I stood up, told her how ridiculous her comments were and I said I’m going for a walk. I did not lean forward and I didn’t step in. I left. I walked outside for 45-minutes on a cold winter evening because I was hurt. I didn’t put anyone else down for sharing their opinions, but I was put down and insulted.
I didn’t say a word to my ex about the incident because I was begged to not say a word to not upset her, and I figured to live in peace and not say anything. In hindsight, I absolutely should have said something, but as normally was the case for myself, I would have been in the wrong anyway, I assume.
When we broke up and I went to my mothers I had a complete breakdown. I sobbed to my mother. Yes. I cried in the kitchen explaining what I had dealt with personally and I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to give up, but I probably should have moved on long before all of this transpired.
I have had several assumed friends of mine clearly treat me differently and tell people they don’t wish to associate with me. Well, they don’t tell me that. They tell other people that, and those people actually know what happened because they cared enough to ask and they inform me. It’s never just one person either, once I get confirmation from several people and they aren’t together then I know it’s likely accurate. Yeah, it’s like I treat my life as a gossip journalist.
As it stands now, I don’t discuss my current relationship status with most anyone because simply put the interest in a 35-year old wrestling nerd riding an e-bike is shockingly low.
FUTURE
I could have sat around and told myself “woe is me” and all this sucks, but I have to look at the positives. My family has been there for me my whole life, and they were there for me after my accident. My best friends LaFlair, Austin, and Dallas have been there for me no matter what. They are truly three friends of mine that I know I can fully trust with anything. They have my back at my absolute best and worst.
I’m near the goals I’ve set for the past year to get my own place and be a homeowner. I’m proud of that, and I couldn’t have been near that goal without the support of my mother. I’m sure she’ll read this and get a little emotional, toughen up Mom. I love you.
Austin has pestered me for a long time to post a blog about my life and talk about other stuff outside of professional wrestling (Wrestling Recaps, check it out). It took me a long while, but here we are. I’m not sure what else I’ll use this for, this could be a one and done. I didn’t put much structure into this. So, if it’s a bit on the rambling side, well, tough luck.
Thank you for reading, and maybe I’ll post again before a year goes by.
It’s July 2023. I’m laying on my mothers couch recovering from an auto accident on my e-bike. My longest relationship ended a month prior and I’m looking up at the ceiling wondering how I got here. Why didn’t I do this or that? Questioning my decisions. Taking ownership of my mistakes and vowing to improve myself.
Yeah, it took me getting drilled by a car on my e-bike to get my ass in gear about my health. For at least a few years I had noticed my body changed. I was tired more often and I’d have drastic mood swings. I figured I’d figure it all out, but in reality I was simply afraid of reality. I knew something was wrong with me, but I ignored it. Well, I’d be fine, right? Obviously, no.
To an extent I have anxiety. I think a lot of people do. Often people will say “oh you’re using anxiety as a crutch” or some form of downplaying it. Trust me, everything is easier said than done. I’m 35-years old and I don’t drive because I don’t trust myself or people around me. You’re probably wondering how on earth do I feel comfortable on an e-bike, especially after getting in an accident and I wish I could explain it. I just feel comfortable. Even after getting in an accident, I don’t have a fear of riding.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that I knew something was wrong with me, but after I got pneumonia in the winter of 2020, my body seemed to change. Energy wasn’t where it once was at all. In public, I’d be more outgoing, but I became more reserved and came across irritable even when I was perfectly content and simply focused. I suffer from the resting bitch face syndrome that continues to plague the world.
Admittedly, my diet had been awful for a long, long time. I’ve never been a cook despite loving cooking shows as a kid. I’d always get a frozen meal or an unhealthy amount of pizza. At one point I had roughly 12 free Dominos pizzas in my account. As if I was proud of that, in fact, I am.
As my body clearly suffered from my poor decisions, I tried to ignore it. Eventually, I asked for help. Yeah, a man asked for help. I hate asking for help, because typically I can figure it out. However, at the time I hadn’t had a primary doctor and it seemed a daunting task to actually find a good doctor to accept me as a new patient. I asked for help, and the person I asked for help didn't help me. It’s not on them to help me, however, if they tell you they will help you and assure they are there for you, but then proceed to not help you, what can you do? I’m a grown-up and I should have just done it myself. I know that.
After getting in the accident it was shockingly easier to get a new primary doctor. Within two months I had set up an appointment for September 2023, and I knew it was time to face reality. I explained to my doctor what was going on in recent years and I warned her that I likely had diabetes. I had a lot of the symptoms and I figured I’d get ahead of it.
I’m sure every doctor ever has heard their patient claim to have something and dismiss it. But, within 24 hours I got a call that I in-fact had type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure. Two things that I knew I had. I quickly got on the ball to change my diet habits and drastically reduced my numbers to levels my doctors had not ever seen before. I took such a drastic approach because I was tired (literally) of how I was feeling. I wanted to be the old Bob, and I feel as if I have accomplished that in many aspects.
PERSONAL LIFE/FRIENDSHIPS/RELATIONSHIPS
Since my long-term relationship ended, there’s been a lot of changes in my life in that respect. I’m mostly closed off from the idea of relationships. I like to be able to do anything I want and not feel like I’m neglecting anyone. It’s important to read that sentence. It’s how I feel about it, and not that anyone has ever stated to me that it was ever an issue.
A lot of my free time from work is consumed by writing about professional wrestling because I’m an absolute nerd about it. It brings me great peace and calms me down no matter what is going on in my life.
As expected, anytime there’s a relationship that ends and you have the same friend group there’s going to be chatter about what happened. I’m not going to get into specifics on a random blog, nor use names, but I’m sure anyone reading this will likely be able to put some stuff together no matter how vague I can be.
It’s incredible how much has been said about me that is just not true. I will always own my faults, and I will not hide from them. Was I irritable? Sure. Was I quiet a lot? Yes. Was I comfortable in my living situation? Absolutely not. Did I feel like I was appreciated for anything I did or attempted to do? Nope. Was I talked down to and insulted? Sure. Did anyone ask me what my side of the situation was? 2 or 3 people did. That’s about it. I never went out of my way to speak my mind, because that’s not my style. But it got to a point where I heard so much stuff, that I pulled people aside and told them exactly what happened and what I experienced.
There’s one major lie that I will forever be hurt by. The idea that I aggressively got in the face of my ex's mother. First off, my ex wasn’t even in the room when the “incident” transpired. She was upstairs sleeping. The whole situation saw us watching television and the topic of religion in public schools came up. Long story short, I don’t believe religion should be in a public school environment since that is literally what private schools tend to be for. Well, I was called anti-American and other hurtful comments for sharing my opinion. As I always do, whenever I’m in an area that I do not feel comfortable, I leave. I stood up, told her how ridiculous her comments were and I said I’m going for a walk. I did not lean forward and I didn’t step in. I left. I walked outside for 45-minutes on a cold winter evening because I was hurt. I didn’t put anyone else down for sharing their opinions, but I was put down and insulted.
I didn’t say a word to my ex about the incident because I was begged to not say a word to not upset her, and I figured to live in peace and not say anything. In hindsight, I absolutely should have said something, but as normally was the case for myself, I would have been in the wrong anyway, I assume.
When we broke up and I went to my mothers I had a complete breakdown. I sobbed to my mother. Yes. I cried in the kitchen explaining what I had dealt with personally and I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to give up, but I probably should have moved on long before all of this transpired.
I have had several assumed friends of mine clearly treat me differently and tell people they don’t wish to associate with me. Well, they don’t tell me that. They tell other people that, and those people actually know what happened because they cared enough to ask and they inform me. It’s never just one person either, once I get confirmation from several people and they aren’t together then I know it’s likely accurate. Yeah, it’s like I treat my life as a gossip journalist.
As it stands now, I don’t discuss my current relationship status with most anyone because simply put the interest in a 35-year old wrestling nerd riding an e-bike is shockingly low.
FUTURE
I could have sat around and told myself “woe is me” and all this sucks, but I have to look at the positives. My family has been there for me my whole life, and they were there for me after my accident. My best friends LaFlair, Austin, and Dallas have been there for me no matter what. They are truly three friends of mine that I know I can fully trust with anything. They have my back at my absolute best and worst.
I’m near the goals I’ve set for the past year to get my own place and be a homeowner. I’m proud of that, and I couldn’t have been near that goal without the support of my mother. I’m sure she’ll read this and get a little emotional, toughen up Mom. I love you.
Austin has pestered me for a long time to post a blog about my life and talk about other stuff outside of professional wrestling (Wrestling Recaps, check it out). It took me a long while, but here we are. I’m not sure what else I’ll use this for, this could be a one and done. I didn’t put much structure into this. So, if it’s a bit on the rambling side, well, tough luck.
Thank you for reading, and maybe I’ll post again before a year goes by.
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